104;
I feel so stuck in the past today
it's not a new feeling,
it comes and goes
but my own goddamn curiosity isn't always good for me
I read her poems
and they messed with my head
seeing me mentioned as the girlfriend
as someone to be envious of
as someone keeping someone else's heart prisoner?
Siting here now,
all cards on the table
what was the future then
is the past now,
I don't know everything
if we're being truthful -
I barely know anything.
Closed doors and all that,
I moved away
not because it hurt,
in retrospect, it was never about love.
I don't have anyone to talk to,
because everyone who knew us
thinks that he was such a nice guy
and who am I to tarnish that?
Who would believe me
when I even doubt myself most nights?
But... I found the messages,
the ones I thought long lost or imagined.
Written from my parent's couch
while quietly crying,
while quietly hurting,
after saying no too many times to count,
it never mattered, did it?
He never respected that word.
It didn't always end in tears,
it didn't always end like that.
Sometimes it ended in silent treatments,
sometimes he'd pout and turn around,
sometimes he'd keep asking and touching
until it was easier to just give in than to say no again.
There's no one to talk to,
and I don't even know what I would say,
how to begin,
there are so many questions I can't answer.
Why did I stay?
Why didn't I say something?
Why was I quiet for so long?
The past is so loud today,
memories playing on repeat,
but it was never about love.
& I wish I could reach out
to the person I was in the past
and let her know
that love isn't supposed to hurt
that love isn't supposed to feel like a cage
that love isn't an excuse or a reason for abuse
that no should only have to be said once
I'm so sorry I failed us
Kommentarer
Trackback