I watch Tales of the City for the third time,

glimpses of a community:

of unconditional love.

Friendship and history.

Of course: secrets and darkness too,

but mostly the foundation of community and love. 

 

It hits me like a punch to the stomach,

that I'm not a part of anything,

that I don't belong anywhere. 

I'm talking to friends:

we've been playing together for a couple of months now

and we're in a channel talking;

they know each other

they have such a long history together,

years and years of friendship and memories. 

 

I don't belong. 

No one knows me like they know each other,

and I tell one of them

how precious that is,

how it's something to hold on to. 

 

I don't tell them how I feel,

I try so so so hard to belong in their little group,

to be a part of something

but the truth is I don't really know how,

I don't think I can take being left again.

I don't think I can handle getting attached to someone,

I know how fragile a life is.

I know how fragile friendship can be. 

 

But sometimes

I really really wish,

that I wasn't that kind of person:

that I wasn't always the one on the outside looking in. 

 

 

 

 

the truth is;

a hummingbird

where my heart used to be,

used to beat 

no slow beats anymore

just the nervous flaps of wings