I watch Tales of the City for the third time,
glimpses of a community:
of unconditional love.
Friendship and history.
Of course: secrets and darkness too,
but mostly the foundation of community and love. 
It hits me like a punch to the stomach,
that I'm not a part of anything,
that I don't belong anywhere. 
I'm talking to friends:
we've been playing together for a couple of months now
and we're in a channel talking;
they know each other
they have such a long history together,
years and years of friendship and memories. 
I don't belong. 
No one knows me like they know each other,
and I tell one of them
how precious that is,
how it's something to hold on to. 
I don't tell them how I feel,
I try so so so hard to belong in their little group,
to be a part of something
but the truth is I don't really know how,
I don't think I can take being left again.
I don't think I can handle getting attached to someone,
I know how fragile a life is.
I know how fragile friendship can be. 
But sometimes
I really really wish,
that I wasn't that kind of person:
that I wasn't always the one on the outside looking in. 


I ruin everything I touch
you were doomed from the moment I touched you


Vi har en lång väg till allt vi lovat, allt vi sa
Du vill att jag säger att allt blir bra
Vad är det här? 
Vart tog du vägen? 
Är det såhär nu? 
Det här skulle aldrig hända oss 


the truth is;
a hummingbird
where my heart used to be,
used to beat 
no slow beats anymore
just the nervous flaps of wings