I’m fine.

I’m fine.

I’m fine -

if I say it enough times

maybe it becomes the truth?

Let’s try it one more time:

I’m fine. 

I’ve tried it before;

I love you 

I love you

I love.... 

it never works. 

I’ve asked my heart time and time again to settle,

to pick someone:

to just beat a little faster,

a little harder

whenever that someone entered the room,

but it never does. 

My heart is stubborn and unwavering.

It will always be you,

no matter how many dandelion seeds blown to the wind;

no matter how many candles extinguished on birthdays cakes;

no matter how many coins thrown into fountains;

no matter how many fallen stars -

every wish whispered quietly,

& always unable to be fulfilled.

Nothing will bring you back to me. 

No wishes can change

who the heart decides to beat for.

"Loving you is easy

I can do it in my sleep

I dream of you so often

It's like you never leave"

Bright Eyes, Coyote Song


And all is want is some human warmth IRL
All I want is some human warmth IRL
if that's too much to ask for
if that's too much to want
then I don't want to be a part of this


Oh the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darlin', I promise you this
Next time I hold you, I'm not letting go
Will you wait for it darlin'?, I need to know


I think of you whenever I hear the song;

It makes me remember the time we danced in your kitchen: 
how you held me, how I leaned in against your chest. 

The song makes me remember that there was hope, at one point.
That there have been happy moments,
that I wasn’t always this sad:
once upon a time there was a grain of happiness. 

Slowly, slowly moving throughout the song.
If I close my eyes,
I can almost feel how your arms held me.
The warmth. 

It wasn’t love.

It’s never love;

but sometimes, even a grain of happiness is what’s needed for the time being



I have emotional motion sickness
Somebody roll the windows down
There are no words in the English language
I could scream to drown you out


I am sixteen,
the night air is cold against my bare thighs,
I gaze up towards the sky while my hand is trailing along the railing.
It is a clear night.
I close my eyes and feel the smoke fill my lungs;
feel my heartbeats slow a little,
feel the anxiety take a step back, 
I exhale and open my eyes.
I can hear the shower running,
can hear him move around -
I want his scent off of me,
want to wash away any traces of him still lingering on my body,
need to scrub his prints off my skin,
but I don’t want to join him.
I wrap the blanket tighter around me
the night air is making me sober up,
faster than I want to. 
Maybe I should leave before he comes back
sneak out like a shadow, a phantasm;
lets be honest
we all got what we came here for.