when I'm here I see all the lives I could have lived

all that was needed was a fraction of a decision
a change of heart
a declined application

and nothing would have been what it is;
and it's difficult when you look at it that way

I've forgotten what happiness tastes like -
feels like:
I think it used to come with a soft muzzle, 
a warm breath against my hair,
a friendship that passed every obstacle.

I've tried to tell myself that sometimes,
you need to break your own heart.
Sometimes you have to walk away. 

I'm not so sure about that anymore.



sometimes I feel so lost
so so sooooo lost;
like I took the wrong turn years ago
and I can't figure out where that was or when it happened
I'm just staying on the road, 
keep going cause that's what people tell me to do
keep going
keep breathing
(beat, little heart, keep beating)
Is this what it's meant to be like,
being an adult? 
I'm barely holding it together:
but if you do enough things,
if you don't stop and think:
it almost works out
(beat, little heart, please keep beating)
 don't give up on me
(beat, little heart, please please keep beating)
please please don't give up on me
I'm doing what I can


I don't hate him
- maybe I should
I mean I've certainly tried,
but maybe he's not worthy of hate
maybe feeling indifferent is a worse punishment
for what he did,
for what he put me through.
I knew about the other girl,
it wasn't necessarily obvious
but if you're with someone long enough
you'll notice small changes: 
a pillow case that doesn't smell like it used to anymore,
some blonde hairs in his brush,
a new, unknown passcode on his phone. 
Could maybe be coincidences,
but come on, we all know better than that. 
Sometimes the truth just isn't convienent at the moment, 
sometimes living in denial is a way of survival,
sometimes you can choose when he gets to break your heart. 
So no, I don't hate him, 
maybe it'd be easier for me if I did
but either way - it wouldn't make a difference for him.