106;
Today is your birthday
and by now I don't think it matters
how long you've been gone
my brain always find ways to remind me
I've come to terms with you being gone
I've come to terms with a lot of things
I know by now
I probably found all of your notes;
it's been years since I unfolded one
since I smiled while reading
your handwriting was always atrocious
most days I still think that my heart
should have stopped when yours did -
I haven't lived in a long time
I still dream of you
usually in the mornings
the kind of confusing dreams
where my brain doesn't register
that you're not next to me
while waking up
I still reach for you
muscles all soft from sleep
brain foggy
it's like I can still feel your warmth
your fingers on my skin
reality is always such a disappointment
anyways, I digress;
happy birthday love
I miss you more than words can say
105;
I read her poems again,
my masochistic tendencies showing I guess,
and I hope he was kinder to her
but I keep getting stuck on a message she sent to me
about how men never change
about how men never change
I know she was trying to break us up
for a while, I was even thankful
that she eventually succeeded
I thought that they deserved each other,
but looking back -
older and maybe even wiser,
no one deserves that
104;
I feel so stuck in the past today
it's not a new feeling,
it comes and goes
but my own goddamn curiosity isn't always good for me
I read her poems
and they messed with my head
seeing me mentioned as the girlfriend
as someone to be envious of
as someone keeping someone else's heart prisoner?
Siting here now,
all cards on the table
what was the future then
is the past now,
I don't know everything
if we're being truthful -
I barely know anything.
Closed doors and all that,
I moved away
not because it hurt,
in retrospect, it was never about love.
I don't have anyone to talk to,
because everyone who knew us
thinks that he was such a nice guy
and who am I to tarnish that?
Who would believe me
when I even doubt myself most nights?
But... I found the messages,
the ones I thought long lost or imagined.
Written from my parent's couch
while quietly crying,
while quietly hurting,
after saying no too many times to count,
it never mattered, did it?
He never respected that word.
It didn't always end in tears,
it didn't always end like that.
Sometimes it ended in silent treatments,
sometimes he'd pout and turn around,
sometimes he'd keep asking and touching
until it was easier to just give in than to say no again.
There's no one to talk to,
and I don't even know what I would say,
how to begin,
there are so many questions I can't answer.
Why did I stay?
Why didn't I say something?
Why was I quiet for so long?
The past is so loud today,
memories playing on repeat,
but it was never about love.
& I wish I could reach out
to the person I was in the past
and let her know
that love isn't supposed to hurt
that love isn't supposed to feel like a cage
that love isn't an excuse or a reason for abuse
that no should only have to be said once
I'm so sorry I failed us
103;
I found her poems
and I think she might have loved you more than I ever did
102;
You can get lost in the music for hours
honey, You can get lost in a room
We can play music for hours and hours
But the sun'll still be coming up soon
The world's just spinning
A little too fast
If things don't slow down soon
we might not last
So just for the moment, let's be still
honey, You can get lost in a room
We can play music for hours and hours
But the sun'll still be coming up soon
The world's just spinning
A little too fast
If things don't slow down soon
we might not last
So just for the moment, let's be still
101;
I wake up before you;
sunlight through the window
reflects on your skin
and
everything else fades
you smell like sun warm apples
- it always undoes me
I should let you sleep,
hell, I should go back to sleep
yesterday's drinks are still buzzing in my head,
my body sore from hours on the dance floor
temptation;
I've never been strong enough
I can sense the city waking up,
slowly stretching towards the sun
faint traffic noises
but inside, here,
there's only us
my heartbeats feel empty,
no music to keep up with
no bass to take over,
snapshots from last night playing on my mind
my hands on your hips
your lips on mine
the taste of lemon drop on your tongue
and I can't anymore;
moving closer to you,
feeling the warmth of your skin
letting my finger move down your spine,
getting sidetracked by your tan lines
slowly kissing your shoulder blade
and lying here with you,
a slow saturday morning
feels like finally coming home
100;
Sometimes I don't feel all right
Keeps me shaking up all night
And there's nothing I can do
But I wanna talk to you
This shit's making me feel bad
I'm so sick of feeling sad
Why can't I shake this mess?
Keeps me shaking up all night
And there's nothing I can do
But I wanna talk to you
This shit's making me feel bad
I'm so sick of feeling sad
Why can't I shake this mess?
099;
I'm fine, I text him
at the same time
the tiny, red crescents
down my wrist are screaming
liar
I tell myself it's not self harm;
I don't even draw blood,
I don't carve new scars into my skin
- that's the line, right?
I'm fine
I don't think I've ever been fine
- these days I doubt I'll ever be
098;
I don't want to die alone
Tell me there's another option for me
Standing like I should've known
I knew you'd accidentally look right inside of me
Tell me there's another option for me
Standing like I should've known
I knew you'd accidentally look right inside of me
097;
I don’t keep tracks of the lies
told by others anymore;
for a while I would
carve
every single one of them
into my skin
every thin, pale scar a tally,
a reminder
- like I would learn from my own mistakes
laughable
I’m sure it made sense at one point,
but now I’ve lost the fucking plot.
He must have told me
I love you
a hundred times -
I don’t have enough untouched skin
for his fucking lies
096;
penance noun
[countable, usually singular, uncountable] (especially in particular religions) an act that you give yourself to do, or that a priest gives you to do, in order to show that you are sorry for something you have done wrong
No Lies, Just Love song
So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep
(I will be pure)
095;
I instantly find your eyes
on the dance floor -
when you know someone
the way I know you,
you can always find them
we pull towards each other
gravity
it's simple physics, baby
I'm unsteady in my high heels,
too many drinks;
too much alcohol in my blood
you have that rhythm in your body;
the one I envy
the music seems to flow through you
seamlessly, harmoniously
I can't move like that,
it's never been nature to me
&
even if I've seen it so many times,
seen your fluent moves countless times
I never grow tired of it -
it's the same way you move around his body
under his hands
when we're all in bed together,
your body is like music on my lips,
poetry on my tongue
& I never want the music to end
094;
I remember when I first noticed that you liked me back
We were sitting down in a restaurant waiting for the check
We had made love earlier that day with no strings attached
But I could tell that something had changed how you looked at me then
We were sitting down in a restaurant waiting for the check
We had made love earlier that day with no strings attached
But I could tell that something had changed how you looked at me then
093;
I know better than to stare into mirrors in the dark;
that's where the monsters hide,
tricking your brain into seeing demons
I move through my apartment in the dark
becoming nocturnal is an easy choice;
the daylight tames nightmares and personal demons -
I don't dream of her, no lingering smell of apples,
I don't dream of him, no taste of ashes in my mouth
it's a small reprieve,
one that I'm thankful for
092;
I want to ghost an entire country,
switch my life for someone else’s -
maybe there’s no happiness to be found for me
; but at least then I’ll know for sure
091;
I deleted his text without replying;
it took all the restraint I had within me,
but I still see it when I close my eyes
word by word
and even though I know
he's all empty promises and hope
no one has ever known me the way he knows me
090;
"You should look through some old photos
I adored you in every one of those
If someone took a picture of us now they'd need to be told
That we had ever clung and tied
A navy knot with arms at night"
I adored you in every one of those
If someone took a picture of us now they'd need to be told
That we had ever clung and tied
A navy knot with arms at night"
089;
(TW - sexual abuse)
{
I'm back at my parents house
it's night and I'm on the couch;
the tv is muted,
walls occassionally lit up by passing cars
I'm trying to breathe,
the panic holding a tight grip on my lungs
shallow breaths, so shallow
tears running down my cheeks
my whole body is hurting
everyone is sleeping
he's asleep in my bed
I'm quiet as a mouse;
I've had a lot of practice falling apart quietly
my phone vibrates in my hand,
I can't see the blurred message,
but I know who it is,
someone who just happened to be online
someone who I just reconnected with a week ago
- maybe my saviour tonight?
}
I wake up, panic clawing its way through my throat;
the pain is still present throughout my body and
I stand up, trying to get away from the bed,
before I realise it was just a dream
- a dream of a very real memory
my brain, still half asleep,
working on putting the pieces together
and then it hits me like a brick,
I flinch as the memory takes form in my head;
he's holding me hard against him,
his arms wrapped tightly around me
the amount of times I said no doesn't matter
I'm too tired to argue with him
so I don't protest, I just let him
I'm laying on my side with him behind me
- my body isn't ready at all
and it hurts so much
I try to push the memory from my head,
successfully forgotten for so many years
my whole body is shaking,
remembering
hurting
I start moving towards my phone,
but I sit down on my bed instead,
falling apart completely
;
I don't care who hears my panic this time
088;
No, you won't find love in a
Won't find love in a hole
It takes more than fucking someone
To keep yourself warm
Won't find love in a hole
It takes more than fucking someone
To keep yourself warm
Been listening to this for repeat the last week.
I really hope you found your peace, Scott.
087;
he traces my scars
like they’re a mean of navigation;
a map,
a star chart
sometimes, he pauses
looks at me
I can sense his question
through the silence
I want to tell him,
that the only thing
he’ll discover here
is how deep my self loathing goes
but I just shrug
I know he’s temporary,
they never stay for long
he has that spark in his eyes
love is still a miracle for him
- it’s just a poison to me
