I watch Tales of the City for the third time,
glimpses of a community:
of unconditional love.
Friendship and history.
Of course: secrets and darkness too,
but mostly the foundation of community and love. 
It hits me like a punch to the stomach,
that I'm not a part of anything,
that I don't belong anywhere. 
I'm talking to friends:
we've been playing together for a couple of months now
and we're in a channel talking;
they know each other
they have such a long history together,
years and years of friendship and memories. 
I don't belong. 
No one knows me like they know each other,
and I tell one of them
how precious that is,
how it's something to hold on to. 
I don't tell them how I feel,
I try so so so hard to belong in their little group,
to be a part of something
but the truth is I don't really know how,
I don't think I can take being left again.
I don't think I can handle getting attached to someone,
I know how fragile a life is.
I know how fragile friendship can be. 
But sometimes
I really really wish,
that I wasn't that kind of person:
that I wasn't always the one on the outside looking in. 


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