I read her poems again,

my masochistic tendencies showing I guess,

and I hope he was kinder to her

 

but I keep getting stuck on a message she sent to me
about how men never change

 

I know she was trying to break us up

for a while, I was even thankful

that she eventually succeeded

 

I thought that they deserved each other,

but looking back -

older and maybe even wiser,

no one deserves that 

 

I feel so stuck in the past today

it's not a new feeling,

it comes and goes

but my own goddamn curiosity isn't always good for me

 

I read her poems

and they messed with my head

seeing me mentioned as the girlfriend

as someone to be envious of

as someone keeping someone else's heart prisoner?

 

Siting here now,

all cards on the table

what was the future then

is the past now,

I don't know everything

if we're being truthful -

I barely know anything.

 

Closed doors and all that,

I moved away

not because it hurt,

in retrospect, it was never about love. 

 

I don't have anyone to talk to,

because everyone who knew us

thinks that he was such a nice guy

and who am I to tarnish that?

 

Who would believe me

when I even doubt myself most nights?

 

But... I found the messages,

the ones I thought long lost or imagined.

 

Written from my parent's couch

while quietly crying,

while quietly hurting,

after saying no too many times to count,

it never mattered, did it? 

 

He never respected that word. 

 

It didn't always end in tears,

it didn't always end like that. 

 

Sometimes it ended in silent treatments,

sometimes he'd pout and turn around, 

sometimes he'd keep asking and touching

until it was easier to just give in than to say no again. 

 

There's no one to talk to,

and I don't even know what I would say,

how to begin,

there are so many questions I can't answer.

 

Why did I stay? 

Why didn't I say something? 

Why was I quiet for so long? 

 

The past is so loud today,

memories playing on repeat,

but it was never about love. 

 

& I wish I could reach out

to the person I was in the past

and let her know

that love isn't supposed to hurt

that love isn't supposed to feel like a cage

that love isn't an excuse or a reason for abuse

 

that no should only have to be said once

 

 

 

 

I found her poems

 

and I think she might have loved you more than I ever did