089;
(TW - sexual abuse)
{
I'm back at my parents house
it's night and I'm on the couch;
the tv is muted,
walls occassionally lit up by passing cars
I'm trying to breathe,
the panic holding a tight grip on my lungs
shallow breaths, so shallow
tears running down my cheeks
my whole body is hurting
everyone is sleeping
he's asleep in my bed
I'm quiet as a mouse;
I've had a lot of practice falling apart quietly
my phone vibrates in my hand,
I can't see the blurred message,
but I know who it is,
someone who just happened to be online
someone who I just reconnected with a week ago
- maybe my saviour tonight?
}
I wake up, panic clawing its way through my throat;
the pain is still present throughout my body and
I stand up, trying to get away from the bed,
before I realise it was just a dream
- a dream of a very real memory
my brain, still half asleep,
working on putting the pieces together
and then it hits me like a brick,
I flinch as the memory takes form in my head;
he's holding me hard against him,
his arms wrapped tightly around me
the amount of times I said no doesn't matter
I'm too tired to argue with him
so I don't protest, I just let him
I'm laying on my side with him behind me
- my body isn't ready at all
and it hurts so much
I try to push the memory from my head,
successfully forgotten for so many years
my whole body is shaking,
remembering
hurting
I start moving towards my phone,
but I sit down on my bed instead,
falling apart completely
;
I don't care who hears my panic this time
088;
No, you won't find love in a
Won't find love in a hole
It takes more than fucking someone
To keep yourself warm
Won't find love in a hole
It takes more than fucking someone
To keep yourself warm
Been listening to this for repeat the last week.
I really hope you found your peace, Scott.
087;
he traces my scars
like they’re a mean of navigation;
a map,
a star chart
sometimes, he pauses
looks at me
I can sense his question
through the silence
I want to tell him,
that the only thing
he’ll discover here
is how deep my self loathing goes
but I just shrug
I know he’s temporary,
they never stay for long
he has that spark in his eyes
love is still a miracle for him
- it’s just a poison to me