a couple of years ago I made this New Year's resolution 
that I would not
love someone that I'm afraid of;
never be afraid of someone I love.
The first one was easier than the second one
and someone I know recently wrote an article
about how it takes 21 days to get rid of a habit
but how that "rule" doesn't seem to apply to some things 
cause it's been so many years
and still -
my first impulse is to reach for you in my bed
my first impulse is still to call you whenever something happen
I am always looking for you in every crowd -
like you would be there
like you didn't disappear
like if you're not gone
and maybe
maybe it's a mistake to call you habit 
maybe you can quit a habit in 21 days
but you can't quit your life;
you can't let go of a piece of your life in 21 days
it takes so much longer
it is so much more painful 
I've had so many New Year's resolutions
it's hard to keep track of them all
but I do remember the one about love and fear
and maybe
maybe I was thinking too much of love and fear
and forgot the most important rule -
never to love someone who doesn't love to live


sometimes I'm not sure what I'm chasing is real
it's like I'm trying to find something that's not there any more
chasing a distant memory
a feeling that used to be
I'm not sure what I'm looking for
I'm not sure who I am anymore ;
I'm not sure I ever knew
my happiness is just a mere afterthought 
and I keep living in the past
trying to make up for everything that went wrong
trying to find the things we lost in the fire
trying to puzzle my life together
but I'm pretty sure it's not working out 
and it breaks my heart
thinking of all the time I wasted
when I could've been with you